Happy New Year! I hope your Holidays have been happy and warm, and full of love and joy!
My friend and colleague Francesca Gentille wrote a great post recently that I’d like to share with you, about Chapman’s The Five Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in all Your Relationships“.
I’ve written before about Chapman’s work, which I find very useful. His 5 Languages of Love is one of my favorite tools. [Sadly, Chapman’s publisher has asked me to remove the link to my gender-free 5 Love Languages Quiz (claiming copyright issues; I disagree but don’t have the resources to fight it), but if you write me privately I’ll send you a pdf version. In the meantime, you can find a link to their gendered official version here: http://blog.loveoutsidethebox.com/?page_id=199]
In addition to the 5 Love Languages Quiz, Chapman’s site includes another quick quiz to determine which Apology Language most resonates for you. As I said in the comments to my previous post about the Apology Languages, I think that trying to describe 5 Apology Languages (to be analogous to Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages) is stretching the metaphor a bit. Still, I think the model is helpful food for thought.
Like Francesca, I think that practicing the art of forgiveness is an essential skill in relationships. Being able to “let go” of past hurts is essential to moving forward into the new year (or at any time) with grace and ease. In particular holding on to grudges and allowing yourself to stay in resentment is actively toxic to relationships (if you want to know more, there’s a link to one of John Gottman’s videos about resentment my post on Agreements Tip #4.) I hope you enjoy reading Francesca’s post (below), and find the 5 Apology Languages a useful tool.
May you always love boldly, safely, and well!
PS: Remember too that Reid Mihalko has a brand new series out to improve your relationships 10x in only 10 minutes a day. You can watch a recording of last week’s Free Webinar by clicking here. And his 6 week program has only just started, so if you’re up for it, you can still hop on the bandwagon!
PPS: Want some 1:1 time with me? I’ve still got room for a couple more individual clients. I’m happy to do a free 30 minute consultation, or a 1/2 price introductory hour! Contact me to set up a time to chat!
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[© 2013 Dawn M. Davidson]
Hi dear heart,
We all have that grudge with someone. Perhaps you have one with me?
As we start the New Year, let’s ask ourselves to come to peace. We are each a piece of peace in our world.
Sometimes we can’t let go because we don’t feel safe. It feels that anger or judgment protects us when all it does is disconnect us. We get to advocate (speak up for) our limits and boundaries. When we can do that without making someone else wrong we begin to have true power and peace.
Sometimes we need to hear the right kind of apology. Gary Chapman & Jennifer Thomas have discovered 5 ways.
Ask yourself which phrase resonates with you more powerfully if you heard this from a loved one:
• I am sorry.
• I was wrong.
• What can I do to make it right?
• I’ll try not to do it ever again.
• Would you please forgive me?
Did you know that your partner, family member or friend probably doesn’t speak your “language of apology” and that THIS is why you’re holding on to grudges and can’t forgive them, can’t move past “the past,” and aren’t having the connection and level of trust you desire?
When people say they’re sorry in the language of apology that you naturally speak, it’s easier to forgive. When we can forgive, it’s possible to rebuild trust. If we can’t, we get stuck in the grudge-loop. Would you be willing to try something new with me?
If you need to hear a particular apology from me, let me know. If you feel that I am holding a grudge, ask me what kind of apology I need to hear. If you would like my support with someone else, I am here for that too!
When we complete the past & release it we have more space, grace, and power NOW to create a life we love!
May your New Year be blessed with your dreams come true,
Relationship & Intimacy Counselor, KAP, & Sacred Sexuality EducatorDirector & Founder: Integrative Arts Institute