Occasionally I get some interesting letters. Recently, I was contacted by a High School Honors student seeking information for a paper. Here’s what the student wrote:
Hello, […] I am currently working on a research paper on polygamy. I found your information on the lovemore.com website and I was wondering if you would be willing to answer the following questions.
How does dating work in a polygamist relationship?
Did you choose to be a polygamist? If so what made you choose to be a polygamist?
Did you grow up in a polygamist family? If not how does being a polygamist affect your non-polygamist family?
How do the children interact with multiple mothers?
How does being a polygamist child affect childhood?
Do you have to be a certain religion to be a polygamist?
What are your feelings on Warren Jeffs?
Do you believe that Warren Jeffs is the reason polygamy is illegal in some states?
How does being a polygamist affect your day to day life?
Why do you believe polygamy is illegal in multiple states?
Does polygamy being illegal affect your day to day life?
Is there anything that you think that I should know about polygamy in order to write my paper?
Thank you for taking time to read my email and answering my questions
This email, while clearly interested in the topic and asking some worthwhile questions, shows the vast gulf in understanding in the general public of what polyamory and polygamy actually are.
Here’s my response:
Dear [ ]:
I’ve been debating how to answer your questions since your first message. The issue, you see, is that you have contacted the wrong person to answer the questions you’ve asked. I’m not a polygamist. I practice *polyamory*. Here’s a quick definition:
poly (derived from the Greek for ‘many’)
amory (derived from the Latin for ‘love’)
In other words,
Polyamory is the belief in and/or practice of multiple loving relationships, with the full knowledge and consent of those involved.
Polyamory and polygamy are not the same thing, though they share the same Greek root meaning “many.” Polygamy, however, shares the root “gamy” with the word “monogamy,” which refers to human marriage customs. (See more here: http://www.affixes.org/g/-gamy.html)
You can read more about my definition of polyamory at this blog entry:
If you’d like to know more about polyamory, you might want to look up some of the resources (websites, books, etc.) on this list:For more on the distinction between polyamory and polygamy, see the informative web page “Polygamy and Polyamory” a brochure by the Unitarian Universalists for Polyamory Awareness: http://www.uupa.org/Literature/PolygamyComparison.htmBest wishes on your paper,
In addition to that letter, I’ve also compiled a DRAFT of a table highlighting some of the similarities and differences between polyamory and polygamy. I’ve been hesitant to publish it, in part because I haven’t yet run it by any representatives from the groups discussed (other than polyamorists, where I’ve run the paper by some researchers into polyamory, a few months ago.) So if you, dear reader, identify with any of these groups, and you find areas that you feel need improvement, please do bring the matter/s to my attention (gently, if you can!) I wish to provide this list as a starting point for thought and discussion, not as a prescription for division. I myself am not a social scientist and do not claim to be an “academic.” The references and suggested readings listed are also not meant to be an exhaustive list, but instead a starting place for further research.
(as popularly understood in US;
aka religious polygyny) (1)
Multiple adult partners Multiple adult partners Deserving of human rights Deserving of human rights Stigmatized and misunderstood Stigmatized and misunderstood Lack of governmental or social recognition of family status Lack of governmental or social recognition of family status
Egalitarian (shared power in relationship) Patriarchal (decisions and responsibility reserved to male head of family) Structure not based in organized religion (though practitioners may be religious and/or spiritual) Structure originates in religious doctrine or belief Any combination and number of genders in relationship structure Relationship structure limited to 1 man, multiple women Mostly not prohibited in the US (2) Mostly prohibited in the US (3) About love/romantic relationships About marriage relationships Long-term commitment optional Long-term commitment a requirement May be sexually open (individuals in the relationship may or may not have additional sexual relationships outside of the polyamorous relationship under discussion) Always sexually closed (individuals within the relationship may only have sex within the relationship) Same gender sexual relationships may be allowed Heterosexual relationships only Allows for gender fluidity and other non-normative gender expressions Binary gender expression only Relationship focused (May or may not consider themselves part of a family) Family-focused
© 2013 Dawn M. Davidson
(1) Other forms of polygamy exist worldwide that are not based in religious doctrine or belief. This table does not address those and is not meant to imply that they either don’t exist, nor that they are the same as the religious form of polygamy discussed here. This table exists primarily to clarify the most common misperception of polyamory being “the same as polygamy,” as represented by, for instance the TV shows “Big Love” or “Sister Wives.”
(2) Cohabiting polyamorous groups may be prohibited by bigamy laws in some states, e.g., Utah. See also http://non-monodiscourse.blogspot.com/
(3) Some Christian polygamy groups advocate marrying and then getting a legal divorce in order to create a “spiritual marriage” only. This form of polygamy (in essence, a form of serial marriage) would be legal in the US. (Source: http://www.christianpolygamy.com/)
For more information, see also:
“Polygamy and Polyamory” a brochure by the Unitarian Universalists for Polyamory Awareness: http://www.uupa.org/Literature/PolygamyComparison.htm
Do you have anything to add to this table? Any great references, important line items, or any comments or questions? As always, feel free to contact me on my Love Outside the Box webpage, to comment below, or to visit my Facebook page, LoveOTB. I welcome your discussion and feedback.
May you always love boldly, safely, and well,
∞ ♥ ∞ ♥ ∞ ♥ ∞ ♥ ∞ ♥ ∞ ♥ ∞ ♥ ∞ ♥ ∞ ♥ ∞ ♥ ∞ ♥ ∞ ♥
[© 2013 Dawn M. Davidson]