She’s doing a Blog Tour, and today is her stop at my blog. You can read more about the book and the blog tour over at Alan M.’s Polyamory in the News. She and I did a fun, quick interview a couple of weeks back, and I’ve placed it here for your listening pleasure. You should be able to listen to it by double-clicking on the mp3 link, or opening it with iTunes or something similar:
[3.3 MB; 13 min 42 sec]
I’ve transcribed the interview and included it below the cut, in case there are issues with the recording for anyone.
One note for any who might not have run into the term before, “metamour” means another partner of your own partner. So in this case Jessica refers to the [female] partner of Jessica’s husband Michael as her metamour.
Hope you enjoy listening to the recording.
PS: A request on behalf of the author: If you’re ever planning to buy this book from Amazon, could you please do so this week (March 17-23)? This will help her get a good one-time Amazon ranking in the book’s specialty category.
PPS: Check out the other books on poly, relationships, and communication I have listed in the Amazon widget below and to the right
There’s some awesome information to support your poly relationships in there… and if you buy through that link, you’ll also be supporting me (in a very tiny amount). Win-win-win!
Interview with Jessica Burde
(recorded March 11, 2013)
Hi, this is Dawn Davidson of LoveOutsideTheBox.com. I’m passionate about helping those who are polyamorous (or in some other way love “outside the box”) to create their own best lives and loves.
I’m here today to talk with Jessica Burde. Jessica, you are the author of a new book on polyamory and pregnancy. What’s the title?
Jessica: “Polyamory and Pregnancy,” Dawn.
Dawn: Excellent! Well, that’s easy to remember! And what’s your blog title? Where do you blog at? Where can people read more about you?
Jessica: I have two blogs. The one that focuses on polyamory is “Polyamory On Purpose.”
Dawn: That’s Polyamory on Purpose. P U R P O S E: not porpoise, but purpose.
Jessica: *laughs* That’s right. No porpoises here! And no other… [stumbles] Oh my god, my tongue is tripping over things tonight! No other cetaceans here, either!
Dawn: So this book is about polyamory and pregnancy, right?
Jessica: *laughs* That’s the general idea, right.
Dawn: All right! So let’s start with, briefly, what’s your definition of polyamory?
Jessica: I go with what I think of as the basic:
Wanting to/choosing to/being in more than one sexual/intimate/romantic relationship in an ethical/open manner.
Dawn: Excellent! Thank you. And what in particular drew you to write a book about polyamory and pregnancy?
Jessica: Do you want the short version or the long version?
Dawn: Let’s go with the short version for right now.
Jessica: I wrote about polyamory and pregnancy on my blog, I’m gonna say 2 years ago now almost. It was one of the first topics I really focused on. And it was also the most popular topic. It still is actually the most popular topic on there, though STIs is giving it a run for its money.
Dawn: Well, that makes sense.
Jessica: About a year after I first started the pregnancy topic — and I wrote on it about 6 months on the blog — I kind of wrapped it up with “OK I’ve covered absolutely everything I can think of to cover. If I’ve missed anything, someone please let me know; I’m moving on to new topics.” And 6 months later I went back to look it over again — 6 months after I stopped, a year after I started writing about pregnancy and polyamory — and I looked over, and I really did touch on all the topics I could think of, but I really didn’t go into enough depth. There was so much more to say about each of those individual topics. And I thought about expanding it, and I realized that that really isn’t what you want to do in a blog. A blog is not really for that kind of in-depth delving into every possible kind of everything. People get … you come to a blog for a quick 15 minute read and move on.
Jessica: So it seemed like the natural place to go from there was to turn it into a book.
Dawn: Alright! That makes total sense. So I’m curious, Jessica, what does your poly relationship life look like?
Dawn: The polyamory episode of Our America with Lisa Ling talked about triads and Vees and W’s… How might that relate — or not relate — to your relationships?
Jessica: Ah… right now my polyamory looks a lot like monogamy. *chuckle*
Jessica: Um… my… um … I don’t like the word primary, but it’s the best one in this case so… my primary partner and I moved half way across the country a year ago, and at that point lost touch with the people who we had been seeing in a “less serious” manner. He [Michael], I believe still intends to find a way to get together with his long-distance girlfriend in New York at some point, but they’ve been saying for a year they’re going to try and get together and it hasn’t happened.
Dawn: Yes, [paraphrases old phone company ad]: “Long distance relationships: The next most expensive thing to being there!”
Dawn: So, um… so what was your biggest challenge during pregnancy, and did it have anything to do with polyamory?
Jessica: Which pregnancy?
Dawn: Take your pick! Any, all…?
Jessica: Ahhhh…. the absolute biggest challenge, actually, would have been during my last pregnancy, and that was… the doctors kept telling me that it’s a normal part of pregnancy that you get tired, you don’t have much energy. I still maintain that pregnant or not, it is not *normal* to sleep for 18 hours a day for months on end.
Dawn: Oh wow… yeah, that sounds like you were, oh, maybe… anemic? *chuckles*
Jessica: They tested me for anemia; it never showed up. I went into the ER a few times. Lost my job over it, even. Um…
Dawn: Oh my gosh. So what did or would polyamory have done that might have helped or hindered with that particular challenge?
Jessica: *sighs* I’m gonna jump back 3 pregnancies. Just for comparison.
Dawn: Ok, great!
Jessica: When I got pregnant with my daughter I was in a triad with two men. Both of them had jobs. I was staying at home to take care of the house and to prepare to be baby mama.
Dawn: Mmmm hmmm….
Jessica: If I experienced then what I went through with my most recent pregnancy … you know… one of… if they needed to, one of them could have quit their job, come home to take care of me, while the other would have still been able to support us.
Jessica: It all… you know… what a poly relationship adds all depends on the dynamics involved, the people in it. A friend of mine — I shared her story in the book actually — ended up going into labor nearly two months early.
Dawn: Mmm hmm, yes…
Jessica: And the doctors, when her water broke, they put her on an IV drip to stop the labor because they wanted the baby to have as long as possible to develop in the womb.
Jessica: And… her husband, her metamour, and her metamour’s primary all kind of went a little bit crazy while she was in the hospital juggling schedules so that there was always someone with her all the time. There was always someone taking care of the kids all the time, and everyone managed to get to their jobs and get work done.
Dawn: Yes, I can imagine that would be a place where having extra people involved in the relationship could be *really* helpful in covering those jobs that a single person in a couple relationship just couldn’t handle all those things simultaneously.
Jessica: Mmm hmmm.
Dawn: Great, well, thank you! So … what’s your top bit of advice for poly people who are thinking about becoming pregnant?
Jessica: … Top bit of advice…. [thinks] …
Be Flexible. That’s really what it comes down to. You have no idea how your emotions are going to react. You have no idea how this is going to impact your relationship. You have no idea how things are going to go medically. You have no idea how things are going to go financially… BE FLEXIBLE.
Dawn: That makes perfect sense to me! Ah… one of my friends, ah, who was working with children, was doing some childcare, was talking about how being with a new baby was “being on the baby planet.”
Dawn: There’s just nothing to compare it to, until you’re there, on the baby planet, with the baby. *laugh* And the baby… just is the one in charge!
So… do you have any advice for people who are pregnant, and thinking about possibly opening up their relati0nship to become poly?
Jessica: WAIT. The mother is riding hormones like crazy. The father is going crazy trying to keep up with the mother and prepare for the baby. You are not capable of thinking clearly about thinking about adding another relationship while you are already preparing for adding another relationship that is going to turn your lives upside down.
Jessica: Give it at least 6 months after the birth until you can actually get a good nights’ sleep!
Dawn: *chuckles again* Yes, we actually did open up our relationship AGAIN — it had been open, and we reopened it at that time — during my pregnancy. *rueful laugh*
Jessica: *chuckles* Oh my god!
Jessica: … the advantage was that you had the experience already. You weren’t going into it blind.
Dawn: Yes, yes. *chuckle* But the thing that was actually most disappointing was that um… our third… kind of freaked out as soon as the baby was born, and split. So I had done a lot of work to try to prepare her to incorporate her, and all of a sudden she wasn’t there. It was very sad for me. *rueful chuckle*
Jessica: Yeah, that’s rough. Especially, god, new mother, you’re expecting that help and support, and just when you need it most, it vanishes. And I’m sure it was hard on her as well. That kind of thing is never easy.
Dawn: Yes, I’m sure it was. So… where can people buy y0ur book, Jessica, and when do you expect it’s going to become available?
Jessica: Well, it’s available now. You can find it on Amazon and on… the site’s called Create Space: createspace.com. Amazon: I believe it’s available on every Amazon site around the world. I made SURE that it was going to be available in Amazon UK and Amazon Australia. [NB: It turns out that somehow it is not yet available in paperback in Australia. Australian readers can pick up the ebook version from Amazon, and Jessica is working now on getting the paperback into Australian booksellers.] The rest of the world it’s supposed to be available in, but I didn’t especially check those. By the end of April I’m gonna try and have it up on Barnes and Noble and the Kobo Website. Those take a bit of extra work and a bit of extra time.
Dawn: Excellent! Thank you very much.
So, one last question, and that is: If your relationship were a piece of baby equipment, what item would it be, and why?
Jessica: Oh my gawd.
Jessica: …. [long pause]… Hey Michael, I’m bouncing this one to you! If our relationship were a piece of baby equipment, what would it be?
[Michael replies in the background, too soft to transcribe, and everyone laughs]
Jessica: Did you pick that up, or should I relay it?
Dawn: You should relay it. I heard it a little, but I want our, our audience to hear it better.
Jessica: Ok. He said that our relationship would be one of those bouncy chairs with the wheels on it.
Dawn: *laughs* Uh huh…
Jessica: Very mobile, very fun, and not the easiest thing to assemble.
Dawn: Yes, yes, that makes perfect sense. And you’d better watch where it’s going at all times.
Jessica: Oh my god, yes!
Dawn: Because it can get away from you! *laughs*
Jessica: *chuckles* Yes, very much so!
Dawn: Well, thank you for joining us today, Jessica. I really appreciate it. Remember everybody to check out Jessica’s book Polyamory and Pregnancy on Amazon and at CreateSpace.com and coming soon to Barnes and Noble.
And remember: No matter who you love, or whatever forms that might take, or however many you might love — love is ALWAYS OK… and so are you!
Best wishes from Dawn Davidson of LoveOutsideTheBox.com!
Jessica: Thanks, Dawn, and thanks for having me. Be well, everyone!
Dawn: Thank you Jessica. Bye bye!
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[© 2013 Dawn M. Davidson]