Resources: More Relationship & “Safer” Agreements Info

[UPDATE: purchase the whole workbook here for only $10!]

As promised, here’s some more information on relationship and safer sex Agreements. This entry is an updated version of a handout I’ve used in the past when teaching workshops on Creating Empowering Agreements. Some of it will end up in the Agreements Workbook in the Appendix, and some in Recommended Reading, I think.  If you’re interested in a 1-page pdf version of this, feel free to write me, and ask for the “Additional Relationship and Safer Sex Agreements Information” pdf. I’ll be happy to send it to you in email.

Do you have any questions or comments about these Agreements Workbook entries? As always, I’m happy to answer questions or engage in discussion either here, or on my FB Page, Love Outside The Box. I’m also happy to create coaching packages to help you create your own set of Agreements tailored to your situation. We can discuss your particular needs in a mini-consultation, if that floats your boat.

May you always love boldly, safely, and well!

~♥ Dawn

∞ ♥ ∞ ♥ ∞ ♥ ∞ ♥ ∞ ♥ ∞ ♥ ∞ ♥ ∞ ♥ ∞ ♥ ∞ ♥ ∞ ♥ ∞ ♥

Additional Relationship and Safer Sex Agreements Information

Relationship agreements don’t have to be complex. Many people choose simple “Condom compacts” (e.g., we use condoms with anyone outside of “us”) or other agreements.  Here’s a list of some potential styles of relationship agreement, originally from [Note: this pamphlet is no longer available from the BRC.]

Absent the (typically assumed) monogamy agreement, people in a poly relationship generally make a specific agreement about sexual and romantic behavior outside the relationship. Working out an agreement is important in general, and especially important for people who are considering changing their monogamous relationship into some form of poly relationship.

Examples of agreements include (but are not limited to):

* I will play safe, and I will come home. One of the simplest agreements and one of the strongest. It directly addresses two major worries -abandonment and sexually transmitted diseases (AIDS is only one and “play safe” means that any sex is safer sex).

* Tell me about it. Members must tell each other about any outside involvement. Sometimes this notification must be before, sometimes it’s “before if possible, and after in any case”.

* Don’t tell me about it. Involvement outside the relationship is accepted, but the partner(s) doesn’t (don’t) want to hear about it. [Dawn’s note: As a safer sex agreement, I advise against “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” arrangements]

* The Veto. Members must get prior and on-going approval of involvement outside a relationship.

* Only together. Sexual and/or romantic involvement outside the relationship is acceptable if both (/all) people in the relationship are involved.

* Sex only. [More common in swinging] Being sexual outside the relationship is ok, getting emotionally involved isn’t.

* Fidelity. A fidelitous (closed) relationship is still poly if there are more than two people in the relationship.

Each of these can be an agreement on its own, or they can be combined in various ways. Note that agreements do not have to be symmetrical – for example, one person in a relationship could decide not to get sexually involved outside the relationship, but that it’s fine if the other (/another) member does. The major point here is that for polyamory to work, it should be considered, discussed, and mutually agreed upon by everybody involved.

More Example Agreements

Safer Sex Agreements for “Example House”:

“Ron & Robin’s” Relationship Agreements:

Karen M. Scott’s Relationship Agreement:

Additional Safer Sex and Agreements Resources

Dawn Davidson’s Agreement Workbook Series:

Tristan Taormino’s Open Relationship Checklist:

Some things to consider: Serolynne’s page on “Polyamory Concerns with STDs”

“The Art of Agreement”:

Research paper showing that agreements increase sexual safety:
“Sexual negotiation and its impact on safer sex: the Zurich Men’s Study (Znms).”

Openness, Honesty, and Safety: Some Actual Data!


∞ ♥ ∞ ♥ ∞ ♥ ∞ ♥ ∞ ♥ ∞ ♥ ∞ ♥ ∞ ♥ ∞ ♥ ∞ ♥ ∞ ♥ ∞ ♥

[© 2012 Dawn M. Davidson]

Note that these entries are all rough drafts, and thus are probably missing things like references. If you know the perfect reference to add, feel free to suggest it! I always like to add to my resource collection.

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[UPDATE: purchase the whole workbook here for only $10!]

3 thoughts on “Resources: More Relationship & “Safer” Agreements Info

  1. Pingback: Example of “Safer” Agreements [Workbook Appendix B, pt 2] — Uncharted Love

  2. Pingback: Sharing the Love (More) Safely — Uncharted Love

  3. Pingback: Getting To Win-Win [Agreements Workbook entry] — Uncharted Love

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