Rules vs. Agreements

A recent PolyWeekly episode featured a discussion between show host Cunning Minx and Franklin Veaux, on why they believe that polyamory is better without rules. To someone myself who is writing about the value of Agreements, this is a somewhat provocative statement. I think, however, that Franklin and I are somewhat more in alignment than it might appear, and that this is largely due to a difference in the way that we define “rules” and “agreements.” In short, Franklin’s idea of “rules” seems to be more in alignment with what I call “demands,” than with what I call “agreements.” And ultimately, we seem to agree that the most important thing about practicing polyamory with or without rules is that the parties follow The Poly Mantra–“Communicate, communicate, communicate!”— and actually talk about their needs and wants, and what different words mean to each.

The initial discussion about this appeared a while back in Franklin’s Livejournal, in his post there entitled Polyamory: Some Thoughts on Rules. His more recent post there, “So what IS wrong with rules anyway?” goes into even more detail.

So what do YOU think? What works for you? Agreements, Rules, or none of the above? Feel free to talk to me about it here, or in my Facebook Page, LoveOTB (for Love Outside The Box.) Or write me privately, if you wish. I’m curious to know!

~♥ Dawn


©2012, Dawn M. Davidson


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